By Synthia Esther

It was a beautiful day, I was outside planting some flowers by my mailbox when Leeann, one of my neighbors, introduced me to Ryan, another neighborhood single who was on a bike run. Leeann soon left while Ryan continued to help me with my horticultural project. Upon completion of the job, we parted as friends. 

Over the next few weeks, another friend and neighbor, Angie, called to tell me Ryan had been riding his bike over to my house with a water pail in hand, watering the flowers we had planted together. I called to thank him for the gesture, and our friendship grew from there. During many lengthy conversations, we discovered how much we had in common and started dating. 

I remember our first date. We went for a walk in an area park, and eventually settled down sitting on a wooden bench on a deck. The area was surrounded by and under various large trees with shaded limbs overlooking a gently running water creek. We opened a chilled bottle of wine and sipped it as we talked. Ryan had brought a book to read called the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis. With his head in my lap, he read from its pages.

The day was beautiful and the weather pleasant. The birds singing in the background and the water running in the creek made the atmosphere even more serene. We eventually gathered our belongings and proceeded to a quaint restaurant to eat dinner. I found Ryan to have a romantic sensitive side, unlike any man I had ever dated. He was thoughtful, caring, intelligent, professional, and a protestant Christian who attended church on a regular basis.

Ryan confided in me recounting that it was his ex-wife Darla that wanted their divorce, not him. He spoke of the events with tears in his eyes, “One day, everything was fine between us, and the next day she was in the spare bedroom. Three weeks later, she filed for divorce giving no chance for reconciliation. I was in total shock and never knew anything was wrong.” Ryan had met Darla in their National Reserve Guard unit where they were both pilots, and commercial airline pilots, as well. I felt sorry for him as he seemed to genuinely want to work at his marriage, but his ex-wife gave him no recourse. He even mentioned breaking off an engagement with an ex-finance named Roslyn to date Darla. Now that was all history, and I felt God had literally sent Ryan, a successful, unabashed romantic gentleman to my door step.

We were together when the the tragic events of 911 occurred, changing not only the course of our lives, but all of America. Ryan was laid off from the commercial airline he worked for and deployed to Iraq with the Air National Guard unit he was in. Tours of duty followed to Puerto Rico, Chile, and back to Iraq. We had been dating two and a half years when he was once again deployed to Iraq. We talked of getting married, he put his house up for sale moving his belongings into my house in case his home sold while he was stationed in Iraq. He felt the need to down size, having been laid off from the commercial airline he worked for and I wanted to wait until his war duties were over before making any definite marital plans.

Life with Ryan was not like it was when we first dated. We both faced a lot of uncertainties. Ryan included me in his will, and he gave me his power of attorney right before leaving the United States. He also left me his lap top computer so we would be able to send e-mails to each other. I had not taken much interest in computer technology, and was extremely computer illiterate, but it was a way to stay better connected.

While in Iraq, Ryan got a morale call home once a week. Our conversations revolved around how much we missed and loved each other. About two weeks before Ryan was to return home, the computer crashed and would not come back on. During a morale call, Ryan told me to just turn it on and off everyday or so, and maybe it would boot itself back up. I did and nothing happened until about four or five days later when I was on the phone with one of my girlfriends, Jane, when I once again turned the computer on and off. Suddenly I saw graphic images of hard core pornography flashing across the screen. I asked Jane why she thought porn was coming out of Ryan's crashed and now running computer. 

She replied in a factual tone, “What goes in, is what comes out! If porn is coming out, he's been looking at porn.”

For the next eight hours she was like an angel sent by God, staying on the telephone with me, helping me through the hacking process of getting into sites he had visited, hidden files, and his computer cookies. The next day, I got another close friend who worked in Internet security with such big clients as the United States Government, to help me delve into the computer files by giving me a hands on crash course.

Ryan's computer contained saved prostitution sites and inquires coinciding with the areas he traveled to, young teen web cams, photos, teen porn sites, “live now” adult chat rooms with video cams, triple X-rated film sites, dating sites, and hundreds of hard core XXX-porn sites and movie rentals. Pornography is a pseudo relationship! I saw hundreds of personal saved photos of women he had Internet sex with, or hired as a prostitute. 

I also saw a hidden personal file of dozens and dozens of young female body parts (bare breasts and thong buttock), without their faces photographed. These were his “personal photos” of young girls and women and were not taken off of the Internet. Ryan's sexually deviant and secret double life was consumed with obscenity, Internet pornography and sexually acting out. His entire life and time schedule was programmed around his secret sex life. He had also installed porn eraser software to protect his secret from ever being found out.

It was God's divine providence that the computer crashed, and when it finally came back on proceeded to show me its contents. 1st Corinthians 4:5, ...”He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts.” 

Proverbs 19:2, “Many are the plans in a mans heart, but it is the Lords purpose that prevails”. I was raised to always be forth right and honest with people. I never dreamed anyone I was involved with could lead a double life as deceptive, obscene and deviant as Ryan was involved in.

He always seemed so forth right, religious, and honest. Like Scott Peterson, Ryan had a genuine smile and a smooth and confident countenance. What the psychopath outwardly shows to the world is not truly who they are. I have heard similar stories from other women who felt God had personally led them to discovering hard core evidence and confronting the sin issues, destroying their marriages and relationships. I am reminded of Proverbs 20:6, “ Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?” 1st John 1:6, “If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.”

Ryan, the seemingly sensitive, caring man who even prearranged and paid for Valentine flowers to be sent to me while he was in Iraq months before leaving the United States, was leading a double life. The man who use to verbally acknowledge he was in the male protective position when holding me, was a man I should have protected myself from! 

The man I spent almost three years dating, was a man I really never knew. Ryan was the war hero, God fearing Christian by day, and the sexual deviant by night. Now in shock, between tears and sorrow, I had to face the facts because the facts were facing me.

I had no idea what I was going to do next, but I knew the same providential God that miraculously allowed the truth to be known would see me through. Because I was weak and weary, my prayers were simple, “Help me God.” Looking back, it is as if God himself laid out bread crumbs for me to follow along a pathway that eventually led not only to healing, but to my victory over a difficult situation. 

Proverbs 4:11-13, “I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. (12) When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble. (13) Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life.”

The knowledge I have gained has been a life-changing experience. It has been a walk I would rather not have taken, but reflecting back I am thankful that I did. The trials and tribulations that I faced enabled me to grow past self-limiting behaviors and look at the good, the bad, and the ugly in the world in which we live. No longer in desperation for answers to my questions, I saw beyond my fish bowl of life experience into the depths of the ocean of reality. The only way to escape that reality and the sin problems we incur on earth is to never have been born. God and His will chose other wise, as we are all born for a divine purpose and plan.

We are each born by God's will and Holy providence to complete a divinely inspired purpose and plan (reference article, “Divine Destiny And The Path Of Forgiveness”). While many never fulfill God's purpose in their life, there are also many who do. The world is filled with people who are searching for bread crumbs that will lead them out of their world of sorrow and into a world of peace and serenity (reference story, "My Sacred Journey Home" -  By Synthia Esther.)

Jesus confirms in John 14:27 “Peace I leave you; my peace I give to you.” My painful experiences in life, not only led me closer to Jesus Christ, my Savior, they also gave me one of the greatest gifts on earth, the gift and lesson of forgiveness. Jesus, in His last words while hanging on Calvary's cross, gave us the greatest example of loving forgiveness known to mankind; “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.” It is my desire and prayer that you too will find the gift of peace and serenity that comes with forgiveness, for when you do, your life will never be the same.

I knew Ryan would be flying a crew home from Iraq, so I deliberately ignored his calls for safety reasons. Being a former flight attendant, I knew what flight safety was all about. Due to stress, I began to experience chest pains and stopped eating and drinking fluids. Then came the flash backs of obscene hard core pornography, prostitution, and sexual XXX - images. It was a dark world I was not familiar with. I went to my doctor, who gave me a complete exam, as well as an EKG, Aids and comprehensive blood test. She also said something I will never forget, “I wouldn't want him to be flying a plane that I had to fly on.” I naively asked why and she replied, “Just think of his mental instability.”

I had never thought of Ryan's sex addiction causing mental instability. Now, after researching and educating myself concerning the sexual addiction process, the brains nero-chemical pleasure seeking imbalance and its all-consuming pathology, I know she was right on target. 

You can quote me on this, “Any and every active addiction takes your mind off of your mind! It replaces reality with fantasy and peace for obsession.” Patrick Carnes, PhD., Out of the Shadows – Understanding Sexual Addiction, Bantam Books, page 24, explains impaired mental processes result in faulty problem-solving in all areas of the addicts life.

Half of all alcoholics and drug addicts are suffering from mental health problems, including depression, and are self-medicating to mask the systems. The problem of dual diagnosis is so acute that many doctors and hospitals are given official guidance to help them identify people abusing drugs or alcohol who are also mentally ill. Mental health problems are particularly common among homeless peoples and the prison population.

Seventy-nine percent of men on remand who use drugs also suffer from mental health disorders. According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists, approximately half of those who use drug and alcohol services have some form of mental health problem, commonly depression or personality disorder (The Independent, Revealed: 50 percent of alcoholics and drug addicts are mentally ill, October 8, 2006, By Marie Woolf and Sophie Goodchild).

From the Department of Health and Human Services, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, Office of Applied Studies: Serious Mental Illness and Its Co-Occurrence with Substance Use Disorders, 2002, Joan Epstein, Peggy Barker, Michael Vorburger, Christine Murtha: 

Adults with alcohol dependence or abuse were more likely to have serious mental illness than adults who had used alcohol but did not have dependence or abuse. Although this report focuses on the population with the most severe mental problems, there is also interest in the larger population with any mental disorder and the co-occurrence of substance use disorders among its members.

According to a U.S. Surgeon General's report, co-occurring disorder have been estimated to affect from 7 million to 10 million adult Americans in any year (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services-DHHS, 1999, see also SAMSHA National Advisory Council, 1998). An estimated 41 to 65 percent of persons with a lifetime substance use disorder have a lifetime history of at least one mental disorder, and about 51 percent of those with one or more lifetime mental disorders also have a history of at least one substance use disorder (U.S. DHHS, 1999). Studies in both clinical samples (Ross, Glaser, & Germanson, 1988; Rounsaville et al., 1991; Wolf et al., 1988) and general population studies (Boyd et al., 1984; Helzer & Pryzbeck, 1988, kessler et al., 1994; Regier et al., 1990), show that co-morbidity is highly prevalent among individuals with mental disorders.

From Psychiatric News, May 5, 2006, Volume 41, Number 9, page 37, 2006-American Psychiatric Association; Research Advances Aid Treatment Of Co-morbid Substance Disorders, Psychiatrists frequently encounter alcohol and other substance use disorders in patients with serious mental illnesses. “All too often, heavy drinking interferes with a patient's response to treatment,” said Mark L. Willenbring, M.D., a psychiatrist and the director of treatment and recovery research at the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). The good news, according to Willenbring, is that research has shown promising results with strategies to treat and manage alcohol use disorders that can be intragrated into a variety of clinical settings. From a report published by The Journal of the American Medical Association:

• Thirty-seven percent of alcohol abusers and fifty-three percent of drug abusers also have at least one serious mental illness.
• Of all people diagnosed as mentally ill, 29 percent abuse either alcohol or drugs.
• 
  

The following psychiatric problems are common to occur in dual diagnosis – i.e., in tandem with alcohol or drug dependency.

• Depressive Disorders, such as depression and bi-polar disorder.
• Anxiety Disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and phobias.
• Other psychiatric disorders, such as schizophrenia and personality disorders.

QUESTION: 

Which develops first – substance abuse or the emotional problem?

 It depends. Often the psychiatric problem develops first. In an attempt to feel calmer, more peppy, or more cheerful, a person with emotional symptoms may drink or use drugs; doctors call this self-medication. Frequent self-medication may eventually lead to physical or psychological dependency on alcohol or drugs. If it does, the person suffers from not just one problem, but two.

QUESTION: 

With mental illness so prevalent among the addicted, how can AA-12 step programs help a mentally ill addict, guide and mentor another mentally ill addict?

While the 12 step program offers kindred support, medical experts agree it should not replace addicts attempts to receive personal and professional therapy, counseling, and medication for mental health issues. Mental illness is problematic requiring medical attention, care, support and most often medication prescribed by a doctor.

I thank God all my blood work and tests came back as normal, but my blood pressure was extremely high, and I was advised by my doctor to go into the hospital for additional tests. Knowing what had caused my stress and anxiety, I refused and took the blood pressure medication that was prescribed to me. 

Eventually, Ryan landed in the states and I answered his call, which was one of the most difficult phone calls of my entire life. The only one that could compare was the phone call from my aunt who called me and told me of my brother's industrial accident. My brother was literally cooked alive and died a horrific death (reference story: "Died On The Fourth Of July". By Synthia Esther). Now I felt like I should have been the one to have  died, the shock and grief was so overwhelming. The conversation ensued and was met with what I now know as the addicts denial.

Still weak and not eating, my body was shutting down, so I went out of state to stay with my parents. Once there, I continued to get worse and was once again faced with going into the hospital. I felt sick to my stomach every time I tried to eat something. I literally had to force myself to eat half a banana and sip some water each day. I was struggling with one of the top three biggest shocks of my life.

 My body responding to being overwhelmed, was in shock as well. One of my most vivid memories was Ryan sarcastically stating, “So what! You act like I gave you cancer or something!” 

Sexual addiction is a sin cancer that not only consumes the addicted, it consumes the vitality of life for those who are around them. It is devastating knowing the person you love is literally dying a slow death to self. Sex addiction is a sin cancer with self imprinted-burned in pornography images reinforced in the brain. “What we imprint, we repeat” - Dr. Faye Snyder. It literally changes the way your mind works and functions.

People who are injured end-up transferring their wounds and victimizing others. Hurting people, “hurt people!” I would rather be the person suffering the inflicted “hurt” than the one who is doing the “hurting”. 

Addicts are self-absorbed and blind to how they affect other people. It is my belief Ryan was an undiagnosed high-functioning individual who suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)*, with the co-occurrence of sexual addiction used to self-medicate his mental and emotional dysregualation. As a pilot having to submit to random drug testing on a regular basis, sex addiction is a logical addiction to assume, for who can tell how often one has masturbated to control the mental instability of BPD, as well as the anxiety and stress of everyday life.

According to the guideline used in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Ryan's mother, though undiagnosed, appeared to suffer from BPD as well. At one point in her life she suffered a mental breakdown due to emotional dysregualation, stress and anxiety. Her negative, hypercritical-devaluing personality and attitude towards people in general, as well as her angry, raging, intense emotional mood swings, produce an unstable environment of hostility for all who truly know her. She even physically attacked her son in-law when he verbally stood up to her anger, hostility and splitting personality. Her own daughter and son -Ryan, were afraid to cross her, preferring to maintain their dysfunctional family dynamics. 

Ryan even admitted to me on many occasion that others noticed something psychologically wrong with his mother. Many people suffering from the debilitating effects of mental illness are in denial and refuse treatment.

While recuperating at my parents home from the shock of Ryan's deviant double-life of sexual addiction and acting out, I was nursed back to physical health with their prayers and God's grace, mercy, and love. Feeling stronger, I returned to Atlanta on a mission to not only find educated, God inspired solutions to this sex addiction problem, but to somehow make a difference. Having seen young teens prostituting their bodies on Internet sites, I felt a tremendous burden to warn, and possibly save a young impressionable mind from such mind and soul destruction.

*Borderline Personality Disorder can include but is not limited to: Unstable patterns of social relationships. Intense but stormy attachments with attitudes towards family, friends and loved ones, shifting from idealization to devaluation (black and white thinking). Low anxiety tolerance, poor impulse control, mood instability, aggression, inappropriate anger that is intense, self-injury, emotional amnesia, sensitivity to rejection, and fear of abandonment are also commonly experienced. At first, the relationship with a borderline is filled with loving affirmation, care, security, and being highly valued (idealization stage). 

An example of the behavior manifestations in the idealization stage can be read in my short story, “Falling For The Stepford Women”. When the relationship becomes established, they transform into a person who is the complete opposite (devaluation-idealization fluctuating). Cold, unreasonable, and emotionally charged with anger and rage due to the least of provocation. They are also experts at trying to project their dysfunctional insecurities onto you. One way to protect yourself in the future is to ask questions in an attempt to find out as much as possible about past relationships and family history of those you become involved with. 

Person's suffering from BPD seem to be helped most from Dialectical Behavior Therapy, developed by Marsha M. Linehan, Ph.D.. However, even therapists have a difficult time helping borderlines sort out their problems and dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

Even the ritual search itself excites the sexual addict as their demonic mind feeds on its fantasies, providing the dissociated sexual trance they crave. Modern technology has turned the addicts imaginative, visualization, and association from fantasy to fact. If this description sounds exaggerated I assure you it is not.

 I have seen it for myself and the words I write do not come close to describing the sexual high hypnotic trance I have seen Ryan go into or heard other women describe when relating their partners behavior.

Once Ryan lost access to his computer and not receiving his daily Internet sexual fix, he became acutely sensitive to anything or one who remotely looked like a female. This included television commercials, the female weather reporter on the local news, etc... There are many doctors in sex addiction research who have also written about the dissociated trance the sex addict can and does often go into.

I site a few examples: A. Dean Bryd, Ph.D., MBA, MPH writes concerning the addiction cycle beginning pre-occupation with thoughts of sex, bordering a trance like state. In an article in The Medical Post, by Ann Graham Walker, April 26, 2005, volume 41, issue 16, Addicted to Cybersex - Anonymous, Accessible and Seductive. It also can be a medical problem. Walker writes about an interview with Dr. Sylivain Boies, Ph.D., who is quoted as stating that in her clinical experience, cybersex addiction never comes without some level of dissociation. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., Out of the Shadows, Third Edition, page 27, describes the addiction as an altered state of consciousness.

Dr. Carnes goes on to explain the normal sexual behavior pales in comparison in terms of excitement and relief from troubles. These dissociated, altered self capacities are often brought on by what I call tunnel vision and hypnosis, which are mentally and physically re-enforced by the anchoring and conditioning response of masturbation. I site R.J. McGuire, et. al, Sexual Deviation as Conditioned Behavior, Behavior Research & Therapy, 1965: vol. 2, p. 185.

 According to McGuire, “As a man repeatedly masturbates to a vivid sexual fantasy as his exclusive outlet, the pleasurable experiences endow the deviant fantasy with increasing erotic value. 

The orgasm experienced then provides the critical reinforcing event for the conditioning of the fantasy preceding or accompanying the act”. This sexually deviant masturbatory conditioning response can endow any deviant fantasy. Rape, molesting children and animals, sexual abuse and torture, incest, and the list goes on...

A few other references supporting deviant masturbatory fantasy significantly affecting the habit strength of the subjects sexual deviation can be found in the work and research done by: D.R. Evans – Masturbatory Fantasy & Sexual Deviation, Behavioral Research & Therapy, 1968: vol. 6, pg. 17. Others include B.T. Jackson – A case of Voyeurism Treated by Counter conditioning, Behavioral Research & Therapy, 1969: vol. 7, p. 133. 

As the sexual addicts appetite continues to increase, his needed fix becomes more deviant in nature. What was once sexually satisfying no longer does the job. Escalation ensues until the addict develops an all consuming, controlling alter ego. A dark alter ego and personality that often includes references to demonic possession.

According to Ryan, his addiction to pornography started at the impressionable young age of eleven. He was visiting a childhood friend who lived next door, when he found soft core porn magazines underneath their parent's bed. Ryan viewed the pornography magazines, which became the opened Pandora's Box to his sexual obsessions and a life consumed with bondage, obscenity, lust, self-centered narcissistic behavior, sin and sorrow.

God had placed a burden in my heart not only for Ryan, but for all the women and young teen girls (some of which appeared to be minors), that I had seen on his frequented pornography - prostitution sites. The young teens and women are insecure, wounded, entrapped souls who are lost and in despair. Many who are made to prostitute their bodies are victims of sexual trafficking, slavery and human bondage.

Ryan's obsession with pornography, his sexual deviation and behavior, did not happen over night. It began as a negative seed implanted and reinforced in his childhood by parents he trusted most. Sexual addiction has many unhealthy dynamics with the family of origin's maladaptive coping response and behaviors being (according to most respected doctor's of Addictionology), the significant contributing factor. Addiction most often begins as a child is neglected and abused emotionally, physically or both by his caregivers. 

The child feels unlovable, devalued, disconnected, abandoned, and rejected. Attachment issues ensue which leaves the child in search of a pseudo-relationship to ease feelings of betrayal, pain, sorrow and loneliness.

Having come to the conclusion that he is unlovable and that people will reject him if they truly knew him he finds a replacement he can manipulate and control. Many doctors claim the sexual addicts etiology includes a pattern of abuse resulting in Post Traumatic Stress and/or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

Dr. Faye Snyder, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in trauma therapy and attachment theory, as well as forensic and clinical psychology and author of the “Miracle Child Parent Series”, relates how we are raised as children in her work, Killers Are Made, Not Born. “What we imprint, we repeat. People reveal how they were treated by how they act. What goes in, is what comes out.” 

Dr. Snyder goes onto describe morbid and invisible neglect, which may lead to the schizoid personality. It results from the minimal social interaction at home and leads into a lack of sentimentality as an adult, due to unmet needs, breaks or wounds, the young child never feels loved, valuable, seen, or understood.

In his book, Don't Call It Love, Recovery from Sexual Addiction, Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., explains “...the more abused you are as a child, the more addictions you are likely to have as an adult.” He also states in the books introduction; “We are surrounded by the signs of sexual addiction yet still resists its reality.”

I have witnessed the reality of sexual addiction first hand and I conclude, “It is an axis of evil!” Addiction is often attributed to mental disorders such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar/Manic Depressive Disorder, Soft Bi-Polar Spectrum Disorder (proposed by Perugi and Akiskal), and Anti-Social Personality Disorder, just to name a few. Escape and coping mechanisms such as the use of drugs or an impulse activity, i.e., gambling, food, or sex to relieve depression, stress, anxiety, pain, anger, mood swings, are some of the many side effects of mental disorders and sexual addiction.

God tells us of Heaven in the Bible while also warning humanity of Hell. By relating the raw reality of Ryan's story I hope to warn all who dabble in pornography and the sex industry, as if their sin and behavior has no serious side effects, to read Ryan's story over and over again until you get it! The point I am trying to make is that sex addiction continues to escalate with the sex addict requiring more and more potent, explicit and intense levels of excitement.

The same can be said of all addictions. The alcoholic and drug addict requiring more of the addictive substance of choice, the obese food addict requiring more food to fill feel. A cutter and self-mutilator requiring more or deeper and longer cuts into their body to achieve the release they are after, (reference story, “ Pass The Razors, Please” - by Synthia Esther).  

Even  the use of  technology has become an addiction and snare  for many - (reference our educational resource website to learn more about such dangerous infractions: www.techchronicity.com).  

 If a person continues to feed and fuel their sexual lusts they risk the inevitable results of having reached a new level of sin and bondage. The point when the addictive activity or substance controls you, instead of you being in control.

Warning: Pornography is dangerous to yourself and others! Ted Bundy, serial sexual killer, proclaimed this to be true in his last interview given to Dr. James Dobson before his execution. Many who are incarcerated within the walls of our prison systems claim the same. We have a world filled with normal looking people, living lives that are filled with abnormal, evil and deviant crime. 

The double lives of Jeffery Dahmer and the BTK killer, who claimed to be a Christian and was a leader in his church, are just two examples of sexual deviants with evil pathological disturbances of the mind. Wake-up and smell the sin, we are in a war against powerful forces of evil.

The best analogy of who is winning the war within can be summed up in the following example. Two dogs are fighting with men bidding on the dog who will win. The wise old man sitting on a concrete step looking from a far is asked which dog he thinks will win the fight. He replies in a soft spoken but confident manner, “That is an easy question, the dog who will win is the one who has been fed and trained the most.”

What kind of training and feeding have you been accustomed to craving and receiving? Crystal Meth, Crack, Heroin? Sex with children after downing a pint of whiskey, and living off pedophile pornography? Prostitution with a dose of drugs on the side? 

Sexual torture and mutilation with a side of cannibalism? Death and doom massacre video games rehearsing a mass murder attempt? Or have you been feeding on the Holy Bible, the inspired word of God? Feeding and caring for the homeless or less fortunate? Giving of your time, energy, and money to making a positive and loving difference in the world around you. What you feed upon not only determines what side you are on but also determines the strength of your position 

Ryan, like most addicts in society, often seek escape as a means of protecting their addiction. Through out my years of research, as well as the many books I have read on the subject, protection of the addition is a top priority. Many addicts have spent most of their lives living a double life managing its highs and lows, that to live without it feels like the death of a close family member or friend. The addict will lie, harm, strive to manipulate and control anyone who threatens their addiction supply. In an addicts life their addiction will always come first.

When you see and know a person who has repeated marriages or relationships that end abruptly and/or repeated sudden moves to another city, town, state, or country, many times it is an escape pattern. Each time they get caught they become more intelligent at hiding their addictions and are keen on the opportunity of starting over again. 

Darla left her husband Ryan suddenly. She shared employment in the same guard unit with Ryan being her military superior. She left the marriage causing no harm to her career by simply smiling, claiming all along irreconcilable differences. Would you have done the same thing if in her shoes?

Let's recount the facts (most names have been changed), now noticing the red flags. Ryan is a sex addict who lives in desperate need of continual affirmation, attention, and nurture due to a childhood of emotional distance, physical deprivation of love and abuse. 

He has had several romantic relationships in his life that were co-existential. He usually has a predominate relationship, this time it is Roslyn, the young lady he met at a church. But he keeps another relationship, this time it is Darla, who he met at work, going on the side for a never ending assurance of affirmation and attention.

In his alone time he continues with his Internet activities, chat rooms, live web cam sexual fantasy relationships, prostitution activities, dating sites, voyeur tendencies, hard core pornography habits and what ever else his deviant mind so chooses to do. He uses his military trained compartmentalization techniques, excuses of hard work and having so little time to carry off his relationship agendas.

Ryan finally breaks his engagement to Roslyn stating he wasn't ready to get married and needed space. Then he marries Darla, because of her education, ambition and status as a pilot which makes him and his mother feel better about themselves.

 According to Ryan his mother stated Roslyn, who was a veterinarians assistant, wasn't ambitious enough for her only son. He and Darla dated nine months (at least five to six months of which he was still engaged to Roslyn), when they secretly got married in a civil ceremony at the court house.

Months later, while still acting as if they were single they plan a church wedding and get married in front of all their family and friends. Why? 

Because active addicts live such an emotionally draining life of chaos they desperately seek control. Most addicts are also deceptive master manipulators who hate surprises. Meanwhile, Roslyn finds out Ryan has been married to Darla for over a month when she receives a causal note from Ryan's mother.

The reality is that he had been married for five or six months because he and Darla secretly got married the first time at the court house in April, with their second church wedding in October of the same year. The following is an e-mail sent from Ryan to Roslyn's best girl friend – Kathy. The e-mails are non-edited appearing exactly as written.

...sorry to hear Roslyn is not dating much yet. I have been in her position before (engaged and then broken up with) and I remember it took me 6 months to date again and a full 3 years to trust the girls I was dating! That is too long. She is smart though and has a good faith so I bet she knows deep down to trust in the Lord instead. 

Men are human and therefore fallible, so they may or may not let you down, in dating or any other area in life, but God never will. If she has no desire to date just because she has no desire, that's one thing, but if it's anything else like fear of getting hurt again or dwelling on the past, there may be a greater problem at hand. 

Sometimes we look for other people to blame about how we feel, but it's really not the boy's fault – they are just following their instincts to pursue a relationship with a women that they are attracted to. Perhaps you could say they're insensitive, but maybe it's just they don't really understand what she's been through or haven't experienced her feelings the way she has. I agree you're too close to the situation to be impartial and that's ok too, so am I.

 Kathy God led me to a decision to get engaged. He led me to a decision to get un-engaged. He has reinforced to me every day since that it was the right decision.

 Do we dare question His reasons? Don't we agree that He is a loving Father who lets us experience our joys and our sorrows in order to “grow” us up in Him? Who are we to say “This is right” or “What happened to me was wrong” if we believe that God is completely and supremely in control of our lives? 

My Granny died on Nov. 19. It was his call, not mine. I have moved on, and she will need to do the same, or else forfeit her right, as a child of God, to live the life that he wants to reveal to her – one that is more abundantly joyful than she may have imagined previously. I hope this helps. I feel like it needed to be said.

I received Roslyn's gift of Guideposts magazine last week. That was very sweet and I have been reading every issue I've received for the last year and I plan to continue this coming year. Please pass along my thank you.

Love, Ryan

Ryan...I don't know what to say. I agree with some of what you said, but it is hard for me to believe that you mean what you say. I feel like you have not been honest with Roslyn for so long...where to begin. 

How's this...I cannot fathom the fact that you allowed Roslyn to find out in a casual note from your mother that you have been married for over a month. She feels like you were never the person you portrayed yourself to be and I have to say – I feel the same. I did not approve of the way you broke up with her...even more so now, because you were obviously seeing Darla at least part of the time that you were engaged to Roslyn. It's a little difficult to hear you quoting scripture and invoking God's plans for her life when the reality is that all of the honor and integrity that she believed you had seems to have been false. I am no saying you should have not have broken up with her...you must have fallen out of love. But Ryan...what a terrible way for her to find out about your unfaithfulness. 

You should have been honest with Roslyn in March and owned up to your real reasons for terminating the engagement. I know you, Ryan. You couldn't have fallen in love with Darla and married her in just six months. Roslyn has been misused twice now, through no fault of her own. You owe her an apology...and she needs to be able to try and forgive you. This is so hard, 

Ryan. I think you truly must have no idea what you have done- because otherwise I would be convinced you are a monster. This was very difficult for me to write. I have always looked up to you as a friend and spiritual leader. After listening to Roslyn's sobbing on the phone for an hour. It is a bit easier to tell you these things.

Ryan is married for two and a half years when his wife Darla puts the pieces together, finds out about Ryan's extra curricular activities and abruptly leaves the marriage. As his wife she had more leverage than I had. I did have Ryan's power of attorney, however, in a court of law that is not as beneficial as a wife's sworn testimony. Because Darla choose to walk away, the next woman falls prey to Ryan's mask of deception, which was me.

Nine to ten months after Darla's exit, Ryan and I meet. We date for two and a half years when God's providence allows me to find out about Ryan's double life, and sexually acting out compulsions. Coming from a ministerial back ground, I begin to educate myself concerning sexual addiction and confront the issues (sin and shame thrive on secrets – Ephesians 5:11). Silence, in my opinion, is as bad as the abuse. The truth exposed brings light to the situation. The lie and its power is broken.

I purchased recommended books to help Ryan in the recovery process, found one of the top sex addiction psychologist's and therapy services, and a Christian 12-step group for sex addiction, passing the information on. Upon much pastoral advice and after I had inadvertently gotten two other professional people involved, I turn the computer over to police so as not to be charged with accessory to a crime as well as to protect the minors involved. Ryan had often used my home phone line for Internet dial up and viewing minor teens on pornography sites and web cams is a crime. A minor is anyone under 18 years of age and in some states, 16 years of age.

Ryan, who is believed to be without a computer continues to act out but he calls it by a new 12 step groups label, “slip ups”. The 12 step “Christian” sex support group exchanges stories on how they are trying to beat their sexual addiction but continue to have slip ups getting caught in predator crimes of compulsive promiscuity, voyeuristic activities, exhibitionism, frequenting massage parlors (most being a cover for prostitution), group sex, incest, sex with minors, bestiality (sex with animals), escort services, prostitution (possibly involving human sexual slavery and trafficking).

The 12 step group members also joke concerning how they got caught. Ryan recounted with a smile how often he was encouraged to retell his story of getting caught by leaving me his personal computer when going to war in Iraq, to the amusement and laughter of fellow 12 step group members. 

The lack of sensitivity and careless disregard for the heart of those who are left to suffer the reality and aftermath of the addicts double life is obviously not considered during such “bonding” episodes. I personally do not find such action genuinely repentant, or humble in heart.

According to Ryan, they usually have a Bible study segment, then confess time and prayer (this is a Christian 12 step group). During the confession time, he and/or fellow 12 step members are encouraged to confess temptation problems they may have had during the week, or an indiscretion (slip-up). 

At which time he receives a pat on the back and advice, “That's all right, you'll do better tomorrow, don't beat yourself up about it”, from his fellow 12 step sex addict group members. This is all done in the guise of compassion, acceptance, intimacy and bonding.

 Love and acceptance is very important, but so is taking responsibility for your actions. What does God's word proclaim concerning this scenario?

GOD'S WORD PROCLAIMS THE OPPOSITE PROCLAMATION CONCERNING THE LACK OF SPIRITUAL CONVICTION AND REPENTANCE OF THOSE WHO'S ACTIONS ARE NOT SINCERE (2nd PETER 2:1-22).

False teachers, destructive heresies, many will follow their shameful ways, following corrupt desire of the sinful nature and despise authority. Verse 17-22, These men are springs without water and mists driven by a storm. Blackest darkness is reserved for them. (18) For they mouth empty, boastful words and, by appealing to the lustful desires of sinful human nature, they entice people who are just escaping from those who live in error. (19) They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity – for a man is slave to whatever has mastered him. (20) If they have escaped the corruption of the world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and are again entangled in it and overcome, they are worse off at the end than they were at the beginning. (21) It would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than to have known it and then to turn their backs on the sacred command that was passed on to them, (22) Of them the proverbs are true: “A dog returns to it's vomit,” and, “A sow that is washed goes back to her wallowing in the mud.” Proverbs 26:11, “A dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.”