Frequently Asked Self Centered Questions



By Synthia Esther

4/20/2014 / update Dec. 1, 2016

Copyright 2014-2017, Synthia Esther.  All Rights Reserved.

Sex addicts often lament, "I work hard, everyday, aren't I entitled to a stress relief that will ease the pressure of life's burdens?  Pornography is my only indulgence.  When I watch porn, look at porn, and masturbate, it helps me cope with the boredom and strife of everyday life.  To be blunt, I do not know what I would do without my private porn stash and the sexual diversion and excitement it provides.  My  wife doesn't like to have sex.  Having sex with my wife is like having sex with a dead fish.  She is cold.  Dead.  Just lays there.  When we do have sex the planets have to a line, with a quarter moon, so the light is dim. 

Yes, I am exaggerating, however, sex with my wife is rare, and not at all exciting.  The lights are out, with the covers pulled over us, in the same missionary position, every single time.  I have sexual needs and desires my wife doesn't seem to need, desire, or wish to fulfill.  Where is the love?  On a side note, I have tried the romance approach, there is not a medical reason to abstain from sex, she just doesn't like sex!"

What about me?  What am I suppose to do?  Sex is exciting!  Life would not be worth living without a vibrant sex life.

As a preface to these questions and answers,  lets review what God's word says about adultery.  Viewing pornography (as well as other sin forms of sexual pursuit, such as visiting massage parlors, prostitutes), which is seeking sexual interest with another person outside of the Holy marriage bed, is adultery (Matthew 5:27-28).   And adultery not only destroys your sex life, it destroys your marriage!  The intimacy is gone, plain and simple.  

Even if your spouse doesn't know of your sexual double life, they feel it!  The emotional connection has been lost and your spouse knows this in the spiritual sense.  While you may think you are getting away with your sin actions, in reality, you are caught in the spiritual realm.  Your soul cannot hide your sin. indeed your emotional chaos confirms your actions each and every day. 

God allows the "spiritual" realm to be felt within a God fearing spouse, be they, male or female.   What you want and what God wants come from two different perspectives.  God is concerned with your spiritual growth.  While a sex and pornography addict is often concerned only with the physical.  Paradoxical as it may seem.  When we live our life in submission to God's spiritual purpose and plan, the physical expression of our life becomes more spiritual.  


We are in a war.  The physical wars against the spiritual daily.  The victor within this war, is the spirit and soul (mind, will, emotions) of man when allowed to be controlled by God and His Holy Spirit.  God desires to rule our body, soul, and spirit, and by the power of His Holy Spirit we learn to allow Him to do so, in complete surrender, walking by faith and not by sight.   God seeks to rule our heart by changing what we want to do, for what He wants to do within our life.  In as much, we make a freewill choice, casting off every weight that besets us. 

We must honor Christ in all areas of our life which includes, but is not limited to, our sex life.  This is the first step in loving God.  What do you pursue and desire most in life?  How we use our time, talents, affections,  determines our course in life.  "What we feed, we seed.  And that which we seed, we become" - Synthia Esther.  Plant your seed in God's Holy word, will, and ways.  God is His word (John 1:1), and He alone is worthy.  As I can personally attest, "The power of the gospel will overshadow your desire for a vibrant sex life." 


Doesn't God promise to satisfy all our needs? Sex is a need, is it not?

Sex is a secondary desire, not a need. If placed in a life or death situation one would not be thinking about having sex. We must be careful not to confuse our desires with our needs. Food, water, shelter, are first priority life and death needs. While men do produce more testosterone, and crave sex more often than many women. Sex is not a life sustaining need. God promises to take care of us, His children. Proverbs 10:8, Give me just enough to satisfy my needs. Ecclesiastes 1:8, confirms no matter how much we have we are never completely satisfied and content. Why? Because we have a sin based nature. When our soul (mind, will, emotions), becomes hungry. We often feed it with our sin based desires. Sex and pornography, drugs,alcohol,video games, shopping, etc...., instead of feeding our soul God's spiritual food. Reading God's word is living and active. Prayer, praise, worship, brings forth the power of God's Holy Spirit, inturn filling you with peace, joy, contentment. Seeking to help others, giving instead of taking. John 4:14, Those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within, giving eternal life. We learn, with God's help, to redefine our needs and desires. We learn to see God face to face and be satisfied (Psalm 17:15). God will satisfy our thirst and instead fill our hunger with good things (Psalm 107:9).

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What does God's word have to say about our sexual needs and desires?

Mark 8:34, Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples (Jesus) said, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." Galatians 2:20, "My old self has been cruified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me." So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. When a person comes to Jesus Christ in complete surrender they want and desire God's will. While setting aside self promoting ambitions concerning your sex life. You learn to work on your own personality problems (spiritual,emotional, physical), asking God to show you how to best love your wife. While praying for your marriage, family, and sex life to heal. Matthew 20:28, Even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many. 1 Corinthians 10:24, Don't be concerned for your own good but for the good of others. Philippians 2:3, Don't try to change your wife (the only person you can really change is yourself), ask God to help you both concerning your sex life, think of each other instead of your selfish desires. As James 3:16 confirms, Wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there will be disorder and evil of every kind. Give your sex life to Jesus Christ. He alone will provide you with a "love" that passes all understanding.

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Why doesn't my wife like to have sex with me?

Let me be honest, only your wife can answer this question. I have talked with many women about their marriage and sex life. Aside from being tired, because many married women with children are tired and worn out from the daily grind. It has been my experience, when a woman doesn't want to have sex with her husband there is most often a desire not met, and/or fear involved. Women who have been sexually, emotionally, and/or physically abused in their past, often fear sexual intimacy. Some women fear getting pregnant. This fear based mind set takes a whole lot of patient love to overcome. As a partner to your wife, getting past this fear is a primary first response. There are also many women who quite simply don't enjoy the mechanical vibe pertaining to sex, that their husbands often exude. An animalistic approach to sex is not romantic, exciting, nor filled with love. When a man has sex on his mind (watching and looking at pornography increases lustful sexual desires), he may often have a demanding attitude. This too may be a sexual turn off, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There are also times when unresolved anger hampers a couples intimacy. All of which could lead your wife to develop a sexual aversion to having sex with you. God instructs us to not sin by letting anger control us. We are not to let the sun go down while angry, doing so gives a foot hold to the devil (Ephesians 4:26-27). Cleanliness issues aside (one would hope their spouse would be clean). If a mate has done, or is doing, something that annoys their spouse (such as watching porn, seeking out sexual liasons with prostitutes), or any number of unresolved issues and/or passive agressive problems, sex is the last thing on your mates mind! As their isn't unity within the marriage. While I support Christian physchological counseling, many married couples cannot afford such services. In any case, seeking resolve by communication, love, support, and prayer for God's wisdom (reading God's word), guidance, direction, provide a first priority, Godly solution.

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Am I required by God to have sex with my spouse?

Yes. Except for a mutual time of fasting and prayer (1 Corinthians 7:5), a spouse is suggested by God's written word to have sex with their mate. I quote 1st Corintians 7:3-4, "Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband; and likewise also the husband hath not power over his own body, but the wife." God designed sex to include not only a oneness of flesh (physical), when in the act of sexual intercourse. But oneness in intimate, spiritual, and emotional connection as well. Therefore, a house devided against itself will fall. When a spouse does not build the "soul" of a relationship in accordance to God's will. Sex is a bore! When a wife is in conflict with her husband, and has sex under emotional distress, an aversion to sex can become the norm. One must seek a oneness with their spouse on all levels. A woman must also relate to their male spouse needs, in that many males seek sexual expression as a way to connect. Constant rejection hurts a persons soul as well. Sex is most often the way in which some men feel comfortable in showing an expression of intimacy. However, without the emotional, and spiritual connections of sex, the act is void of connection. This is why the husband must work on his own spiritual, emotional, personality flaws, as well as the wife, in order to grow and develop a healthy, loving, sex life. Self introspection is most important. Ever wonder why many men who pay for sex seek the "Girlfriend Experience"? They desire connection, not just sex! It is a false connection they are willing to pay for, as they are deceived by Satan to exchange "lust connections" for true and Holy "intimacy connections". In the spiritual sense, most men and women need to connect on levels aside from the physical. Men in the grips of sexual addiction, simply do not know how to connect other than by physical expression. They are in the grips of sins pleasure. When one demands sex from their mate, they miss the expression of intimacy and "oneness" Christ intended for Holy sex to be. You are to love your spouse as Christ loves the church (His sheep). Christ died for His lambs. Wake up! Your self centered sexual desires are really a search for love and intimacy as God intended. This is more than a physical expression of sexual interest. When you aline yourself with God's will in accordance with His word, you will learn to place self sacrifice above your self interest. Read the Bible and you will discover this for yourself. Your spouse has a soul. Seek a soul relationship instead of a sexual relationship, and watch the sparks flow! This is the way God intended sex to be. A oneness of spirit that unites with a oneness of flesh in sexual physical expression.

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Isn't sex within marriage a good thing?

Yes, sex within the Holy bonds of marriage is a very good thing. However, when one places their sex life above God, sex becomes an idol. Romans 12:1, Give your bodies to God because of all He has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice unto God, the kind of which He finds acceptable. Our life is not our own. When we give our life to Jesus Christ, we worship Him in spirit and in truth. If your sex life is in lack, look to the spiritual cause and reason why this is so. Temptation in life is a given, but God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure (1st Corinthians 10:13). Dependence on God's word helps us stay pure (Psalm 119:9). God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him (James 1:12).

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Why would God create sex, if He doesn't want us to have sex?

God created sex, and sex His way, is Holy. Sexual intimacy within Biblical marriage (between a man and woman), is ordained by God. When sex becomes an obsession within our life, God is being replaced with an idol (see above answer). Idols deplete our spiritual connection to God and will ultimately, destroy us! Likewise, our marriages are destroyed by idols within our lives. As love for an idol, replaces the love one should have for their spouse. A spouse can feel used and abused when the sex act becomes more important than connecting through physical, intimacy expression. Sex void of love and intimacy is not of God.

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Why is viewing pornography considered cheating?

God considers any form of cheating a serious sin. Leviticuis 19:11, Do not deceive or cheat another. Proverbs 11:1, The Lord detests the use of dishonest scales, but He delights in accurate weights. Your secret double life of sin filled sexual addiction provides proof, evidence of your lack of love for God and your spouse. As you are thinking only of your own self centered needs (www.synthiaesther.com - Library page and Addiction pages covers this subject matter in more detail). When you cheat on God (and His will for your life), you cheat yourself and all He has ordained for your life plan. Psalm 101:7, God does not allow deceivers to serve in His house, and liars will not stay in His presence.

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What can I do to improve my relationship with my spouse?

The core of our personality is sin based in nature. When we give our life to Jesus Christ, He empowers us with His Holy Spirit to walk after righteousness. Selfishness is destructive. Genesis 13:8-11, provides us with a spiritual solution towards selfishness. Abram said to Lot, Lets not allow this conflict to come between us or our herdsmen. As we are close relatives. The whole countryside is open to you. Take your choice of any section of land you want and we will separate. In turn, Lot took a long look at the fertile plains of the Jordan Valley, which he chose for himself. Abram took the higher ground spiritually. Another example of wrong, selfish motives can be read in Genesis 27:35-37, 41, when Isaac confirmed, "Your brother was here, and he tricked me. He has taken away your blessing." Esau exclaimed, "No wonder his name is Jacob, for now he has cheated me twice. First he took my rights as the firstborn, and now he has stolen my blessing. Oh, haven't you saved even one blessing for me?" Isaac said to his son Esau, I have made Jacob your master and have declared that all his brothers will be his servants. Esau hated Jacob and vowed to kill him, his own brother. Selfishness tears families, relationships, apart! Philippians 2:3, Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Philippians 2:6-8, Though He was God, Jesus did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, He gave up His divine privileges, humbled Himself in obedience, seeking God's will, not His own. In giving yourself completely to God, you learn to use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God (Romans 6:13). Galatians 5:13, You have been called to live in freedom, but not use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, we are to use our freedom to serve one another in love. The best way to improve your relationship with your spouse is to love her as Christ loves us. I invite you to visit The Library page at: www.synthiaesther.com, which provides additional Biblically inspired, free teaching lessons and resources.

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How can I change from addictions snare to living my life in accordance with God's will?

God desires us to change our sin based nature, living to become more like Him, in spirit and in truth. This means not only a sincere heart change, but behavior change as well. Luke 19:8, Zacchaeus stood before the Lord and confirmed he would give half his wealth to the poor, and if he had cheated people on their taxes, he would give them back four times as much! This is putting action behind your words. For faith without works is dead. We are to walk the talk, not just talk the walk. When you give your life to Jesus Christ you do not change just to receive God's approval, but to respond to God's love. When you change your sexual addicted double life, you are responding to your wife and children, in love. You make the choice and God will help you make the change. For God who began this work within you will continue His work until it is finished and you are united with Him for eternity in Heaven (Philippians 1:6). God does not give up on you! It is my prayer you do not give up on Him.

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Biblical scripture references as they concern God's will, doctrines, of Husband and Wife relationship duties.

Pro. 5:18-19 / Eccl.9:9 / Mal. 2:15 / Rom.7:2 / 1st. Cor.7:3,10,12,13, 39 / Eph.5:22-25 / Col.3:18,19 / Tit.2:4,5 / 1st Pet.3:1-7

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